roman...

my son is the great magnum opus of my life.  i never saw the connection so clearly between God and man until he was put in my arms for the first time.  he changed me so vividly in that moment that i think, for the first time in my life, i truly understood what it meant in the verse that said, "greater love has no man..."  i would GLADLY give my life at any moment for that of my son's.

the first night he was with us, i was on morphine and feeling the excitement of new love.  there were a few moments that were more precious than others, like when he woke for a little while at midnight to try his luck at nursing.  my husband was asleep in the chair next to me while roman and i were falling in love.  i stared into his beautiful, fresh face, weaping quietly and tried to get him to latch on, but we weren't having an easy time at all.  the next few days were a whirlwind of pain. pain from my c-section, pain from trying to get him to latch properly, only to break his latch and try over again, and pain from emotional exhaustion from too many people coming and going and not giving my husband and i the much needed rest and bonding time with our son that we craved. 

roman had some pretty alarming issues at birth as well.  along with hydronephrosis, he also had huge hydroceles, and wasn't urinating which required him to wear a "bag" that would catch his urine to make sure his kidneys were operating correctly.  he was born with what the dr. referred to as one "fairly large" and one "fairly small" skin tag on his right ear which could have been an indication of hearing loss.  on top of it all, his circumcision went terribly awry and had to be revised when he was 7 months old.  a very long story short, everything turned out perfectly fine and there isn't even a scar on his ear from where the tag was removed.  i say all of this with the underlying intention to show how this taught me so much about the detailed love that God must have for us. 

roman was made in a petri dish.  after one failed ivf cycle, roman and about 9 siblings were brought to life thanks to the modern marvels of medicine and the ancient miracles of God.  the day came to transfer roman and his twin back into my body where they belonged.  the next day, i found out that no other embryos had survived to freeze.  2 weeks later, we found out that at least one made it and that i was pregnant.  4 weeks later, we saw one, perfect, beating heart.  9 months later, we met our baby.

in breast feeding alone, what i learned about God's nature was revolutionary.  i saw my poor boy starving in the hospital room.  the nurses would feed me this line about him not knowing what hunger was, but that was not true.  it was all he knew and it broke my heart.  the source to end his hunger was right there, in front of him, but he just didn’t get it.  i could see myself and my shortcomings in that.  God’s love is right there, in front of us, but we just can’t wrap our hearts around that truth sometimes and it breaks HIS heart so badly.

then, when we got it figured out, i was so overjoyed to see him being nourished and thriving just as the Lord is with us when we are delighting ourselves in Him. 

when Roman was a few months older, he tried sucking on his wrist and would occassionally hit his nose or chin and i would laugh at how sweet and cute he was in his little mistakes.  that, once again, pointed me back to the Lord and how He sees me.  He doesn’t look at me through a magnifying glass disappointed in me whenever i fail, He looks at me lovingly, smiles, and says, “that was adorable, not perfect, but a great attempt.”

i will never be able to wrap my head around what God did for us on calvary.  i will never pretend that for a moment i would trade my son's life for any one of you out there.  but i do know this, that in my selfish love for my son; my worldly, secular, not-even-close-to-what-He-feels-towards-us kind of way, i have experienced heaven brought down to earth and i know a love everlasting.

and ps - i am pregnant again.  au naturale...